The wall of the restaurant on my parent's cruise.

Every Day Battles

You think I don’t want to be over this? I do. I want to move on and stop whining and annoying everyone. I want to finally have closure and have my sanity back.

But there’s also this part of me I can’t manage to turn off. That part of me passionately believes we have this crazy, undeniable connection.

I used to be able to maintain the longing at a lower level, so that it was barely a hum in my every day noise, but he reawakened me. I remember how just his friendship lit me up, how high I could get off it. I can only imagine taking it to a deeper level would be magical. Something I would lose myself in, if I haven’t already.

At times what’s left of me takes a difficult breath, knowing what’s not there. I feel the loss of him and the future we could of had. I pathetically ache with the pain of it. I want it to be gone but I can’t let go of the ‘What If’.

What if he changes his mind, realizes the value of what we have, and I’m not there? Could I forgive myself for letting go?


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I'm a writer and an even bigger reader. Cat lover. Dreamer with a wandering soul. I'm twenty-three years old, obviously, and I have been writing since I was a teenager. I had major writer's block when I was at university and so now I'm trying to get out of it and express myself with this site.

6 thoughts on “Every Day Battles”

  1. I can only say that from a 58 year old kids point of view there are three loves from my past that still cause my heart to ache and wonder what if. at the present time I have a wife who thinks I can do no wrong, although from my perspective another choice may have been better. That said Our union produced a daughter I could not be prouder of and a grandson who thinks I can walk on water. Change anything in my past and I might not have been so lucky. Life is coming at you, play catch, keep what you can and let the rest go. I do wish we could have everything. Still wondering myself and I wish for the compassionate you the best in making your choices!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your comment William!

      “58 year old kid” love it. Thank you for putting your honesty and experience on here. I appreciate it. Hopefully someday I will think the same and have no regrets. I wish I was the one making the choice in the situation, but instead I hope and know his choice will work out for me in the end. What ifs are evil.

      Liked by 1 person

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