You think I don’t want to be over this? I do. I want to move on and stop whining and annoying everyone. I want to finally have closure and have my sanity back.
But there’s also this part of me I can’t manage to turn off. That part of me passionately believes we have this crazy, undeniable connection.
I used to be able to maintain the longing at a lower level, so that it was barely a hum in my every day noise, but he reawakened me. I remember how just his friendship lit me up, how high I could get off it. I can only imagine taking it to a deeper level would be magical. Something I would lose myself in, if I haven’t already.
At times what’s left of me takes a difficult breath, knowing what’s not there. I feel the loss of him and the future we could of had. I pathetically ache with the pain of it. I want it to be gone but I can’t let go of the ‘What If’.
What if he changes his mind, realizes the value of what we have, and I’m not there? Could I forgive myself for letting go?
They were meant to be.
They had to be, didn’t they?
She kept seeing him again and again, in person and in her mind. But it was something more than that. Something intangible and indescribable. Words couldn’t do it justice. It was something you just had to feel. If you couldn’t feel it, you couldn’t understand it.
Try her best, she would call it a connection. A deep bond that was always there, even before their initial meeting. It would remain to be, whether over time it was ignored or cherished, watered or deprived. It was unbreakable. Time had proven that. There had been enough for both of them to change and grow into different people. They had spent years apart, with only random glimpses to survive on, and yet there was still that magnetic pull.
He lit her up like a Christmas tree grove, all strung up and beautiful, and from that, he basked in her glow. At times, it was faint. It was the soft haze of half-closed eyelids, limbs languid, and a Cheshire cat smile pointed at him. But truly she was the lighter than that. When she was around him, she was sunlight.