After you’ve thought it all through. After you’ve decided. After you tell your fiancé you can’t marry her. After you break her heart. After you throw away four years together.
Before you shamefully tell your parents. Before you move out and she keeps the dog. Before you find your things on the curb in the rain.
The moment you are free to be together. The moment you begin the conversation that will last a lifetime. The moment your eyes meet and playful conversation takes on a new meaning. The moment you realize how close you are standing isn’t close enough. The moment the What If becomes What Is. The moment you give in to everything you’ve held back since you first met.
Lips part, hands touch, bodies meet.
The moment you realize it was worth it.
You think I don’t want to be over this? I do. I want to move on and stop whining and annoying everyone. I want to finally have closure and have my sanity back.
But there’s also this part of me I can’t manage to turn off. That part of me passionately believes we have this crazy, undeniable connection.
I used to be able to maintain the longing at a lower level, so that it was barely a hum in my every day noise, but he reawakened me. I remember how just his friendship lit me up, how high I could get off it. I can only imagine taking it to a deeper level would be magical. Something I would lose myself in, if I haven’t already.
At times what’s left of me takes a difficult breath, knowing what’s not there. I feel the loss of him and the future we could of had. I pathetically ache with the pain of it. I want it to be gone but I can’t let go of the ‘What If’.
What if he changes his mind, realizes the value of what we have, and I’m not there? Could I forgive myself for letting go?
I miss you.
Not the person that annoyed, frustrated or hurt me, the one I’ve gotten used to, but the other one.
I miss the guy who used to share his smiles with me, and his warmth as we lied together, his arm around me and his breath on my neck. I miss the laughs we had, during adventures only we shared. I miss our conversations about our favourite tv shows and teams, things in common I only shared with you.
When I remember us, I don’t understand why you don’t want to be together anymore.